when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
