Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
