For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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