I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
