the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
