shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You're so nebulous sometimes
I didn't shave. On purpose
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
