She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
