Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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