I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
