I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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