listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
