I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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