she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
