im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
