I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
