Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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