dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
