Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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