I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i think i just lost a toe
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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