A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
