I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
It's just like the Real World with babies
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
