I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Randomize
