somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize