I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize