he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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