and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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