I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
