Your face is a jimmy john
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
