Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize