I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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