I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
