there's paper in my vomit.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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