Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
