My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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