Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize