Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
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Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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