I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
