So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize