The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
