I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
someone owes me an orgasm
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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