Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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