I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
