I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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