she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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