I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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