Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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