he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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