im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
