Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
