it was like his penis was on wheels.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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