Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
