I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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