I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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