The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize