you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Are we still banned from the library?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
