Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
