Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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