Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize