So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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