2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
