Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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