Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
