I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
