I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
